Tuesday, August 24, 2010

ok but here's the thing

He's always going to be my baby. At our wedding, Nipper's mom looked at me and absentmindedly said "well, I guess he's never coming back to Michigan now." Let me give you a little back story. Nipper had already lived in New York for 8 years, and Los Angeles for 4. We had met 8 months before. I turned stunned and backed slowly away. "Does she blame me?" "Did she really think he was coming back?" "I thought she liked me!"

My first day of school

The answer to those questions: NO, maybe, she does (a lot). It wasn't that she was really thinking "Oh, any day now, my baby boy Nipper Knapp is going to come back home and live with me Poppa". Nor would she have wanted that. It's just you know, he's her boy. And now I totally get it. I should also say that Nipper's mom is my model for how to be a mother in law. She is kind to me, respects my opinions, talks me like I'm one of her kids, and always takes my side over Nipper Knapp's (at least to my face, which is all I care about:).

Jack and Cleo's first day

That said, here's what happened when I dropped Jack off at school today. We met Cleo and Brett in the parking lot. So grateful to have an ally, and for Jack to have a friend there. We walked to their classroom, went in, looked around, said hello to the teachers, and then Brett, said "Bye Cleo, I'll see you in a few hours!" and left. Gulp. Ok, that's exactly what they said to do. Make it quick, be positive, DON'T CRY. I told Jack I was going to go, and Daddy would be back to pick him up in a few hours. He hugged me TIGHT, he hung his head a little, but he didn't cry. I whispered that he should "take care of Cleo today". Cleo who at that point was twirling and showing the teacher her pink painted fingernails. Uh, yeah...

I walked out, hugged Brett, talked to a few other moms, held it together, got in my car, and sobbed. I cried all the way home. I cried because I was so proud of him. I cried because he was brave, and didn't cry. I cried because I knew that even though he'll always be my baby, he's not a baby anymore. I cried because NPR was playing some BBC story about Natalie Merchant's song "Wonder". I hate this song, and this whole genre of music, but there I am crying my eyes out listening to it. Jaysus lord above, what has this kid done to me?! I pierced my nose with a safety pin, and a bottle of Southern Comfort, in a London hotel room at 15, I don't cry when I hear Natalie Merchant sing!!!

But I did. He's made me soft. Even though he's going to learn about volcanos, and dinosaurs, playground bullies, geometry, poetry, school lunches, carpooling, holding hands, heart break, college admissions, he'll always be my baby.


  1. I was hearing the same song today while driving, and just about had to pull over because it was getting too hard to see.

    Me. Who has never needed anybody.

    I used to think they needed me, my 3 boys. Ha. Who needs who here?

  2. and now I want to cry, and i still have about 2 years left. not that i want her to go to school or anything. but obviously i don't want her to never go to school.

    who thought up this idea of school anyway? we should send our kids to school only when we are thoroughly done with them. which will probably be never.


  3. Darn those kids for making us love and stuff and turn soft!

    You know, I don't guess I've ever heard that song. But I have to comment on the piercing the nose with a safety pin thing. Are we mentally connected from some alien abduction or something? I pierced my belly button when I was 15!!!! with a diaper pin. Of course that lasted an entire 3 whole days before it got FREAKISHLY infected and I had to take it out. And there was no Southern Comfort to help! What I would have given for there to be! There were a couple of near-miss fainting spells there, but by golly, I did it. We shall forever be connected by (hopefully not the same - ew) safety pins. So how did yours fare?

  4. Oh babe me too! My son started Kindergarten last week and it was so hard to leave him there. I didn't cry, nope, but I had one hell of an anxiety attack and wished I'd cried instead.

    Kids are mean little creatures that make us care too much and cause us weakness where we used to be tough as nails. Bah, ;).

    I've given you an award my friend, you can pick it up on my blog.