Sunday, November 28, 2010

you think YOU have a problem...

Last night my mother sent me a text message saying "DO NOT go into Michael's or Jo-Ann Fabrics or you will be Christmas crafting until Easter". Too late. But I had a COUPON!!!
24 pack of Glitter. I have peridot and anthracite glitter!!!

I had to get some felt for making flowers for one of the THREE wreaths I'm making (inspiration by Knock Knocking, tutorial courtesy of Felt So Cute), and promised Jack we'd make a gingerbread house. Oh and the coupon. It was for 50% off anything from Martha Stewart. A few weeks ago Sadie and I were in Michael's ogling the glitter. We were looking at these tiny little colored glass beads in glass bottles. We didn't know what we'd use them for, but we agreed they were beautiful. We spotted a $30 box of glitter. It had 24 pretty little vials and names like verdelite and feldspar. We laughed at what kind of fool would spend $30 on a box of glitter. We did NOT laugh at what kind of fool reasonable person would spend $15 on it though.

Did I mention the flocking powder in every color? I was strong and was able to resist, but I don't know for how long. Thin of all the things I could flock! 

I could make baby chicks!

or baby blue bunnies!

Ok, last but not least the Gingerbread house. Once we had come to an agreement that Mommy would do all the icing and piping and Jack would do all the cookie placement we were good. Before reaching detente there was a 3 year old pogo stick next to me shouting "Let me do it! Let me do it!" and "I'm going to make the whole thing all by myself!" Never mind that the directions for putting together the walls require holding it carefully in place for 2-3 minutes after quickly piping icing that is roughly the consistency of toothpaste and has the hold of a vice, onto just the bottom and right sides. It then requires the whole thing to set for an hour. Matame! I think he did a great job. Maybe next year I'll get amnesia and do it again...

J is for Jack

Hello Lucky!

Uhm, yeah, these are the cutest little cards I've ever seen. They are by Hello Lucky, who I think are genius. AND they are on mega sale on right now. Cute cute cute!!!

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Anytime I see a police car it causes me to check my person for stolen goods and concealed weapons. It's true. I immediately go into guilt/panic mode. Today I was out for a walk with Jack in the stroller and I happened by 3 different police cars. Each time I averted my gaze, straightened my shoulders and tried not to look guilty. I was WALKING MY BABY! What gives. I have no idea how real criminals don't break into flop sweat and just crumble on the sidewalk at the sight of the po-po. I guess that's why they're the real criminals, and I'm just a mom who thinks she's going to be arrested for letting her kid play the cupcake game on her iphone for the duration of their 2 hour walk instead of making him look at trees and oncoming traffic.

The reason we were out for the walk is twofold. I've been working like crazy all of a sudden (hooray but also boo). So I feel like I haven't been around at all. Nipper Knapp and I need a date like the California legislature needs to get rid of the 2/3 vote to pass a bill. Too obscure? Fine. We really need a date night. I wanted to spend a little quality time with Jack. Since we've been in our pajamas since Tuesday night, I thought maybe we should get dressed and get out of the house. Oh also, I've already gained 10 (of 12) pounds. EGADS. And before any of you (mom) start hollering that perhaps I was underweight before I got pregnant you can just stuff it. I was exactly in the middle of normal weight for my height with a 20 point something BMI.

baby fat, fat baby

This is information I know, not because I'm obsessed (we don't own a scale), but because I checked on the pregnancy weight gain calculator after seeing my weight at the doctor last week. Is that right?? How could it be? I gained 30 lbs the whole pregnancy with Jack. I've already gained more than a third of that already and I'm only 4 months on Monday. Eek. mentioned I might have gained about 5lbs by now. Maybe more of less by a pound or seven.

I have been so busy, and tired, and barfy, and tired, and HUNGRY since I got pregnant that the truth is, I haven't been exercising much (at all) for months. Not even a walk. So today I decided to get off my burgeoning ass and at least take my kid for a stroll. Only 4 miles, but you know, pushing a 37 lb boy, plus stroller up and down some nice LA hills. We pit stopped at Starbucks for a tea for me, and a vanilla milk for him. Then we went to the park and played grumpy old troll won't let me pass over the bridge for about an hour.

2weeks ago at the Lake Street Creamery truck. Ice cream not helping my cause but SO YUMMY

I'm not really showing yet, just sort of padded all around. I did a job last Saturday where they didn't know I was pregnant. The made me wear control top pantyhose under my tiny suit dress. That wasn't awesome. I kept going in the bathroom hiking up my skirt and doing high kicks to try to relieve that pinching sausage feeling. Did I mention I was in 4 inch heels. DUES PAID. I'm sure the stylist was thinking "size 4 my ass" when she dressed me. Sorry sugar, mama's got to sell stuff on tv just a little bit longer. Baby's gonna need some new shoes too.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


This Thanksgiving here are the things I'm grateful for (in no particular order)

Elastic waistbands. Loose ones that hit at just the right spot


Parents who taught me to be stronger than I thought I could be especially when things are really really bad

A husband who taught me it's ok to ask for help especially when things are really really bad

Pedicures and shoes that make me feel sexy even though I currently look strangely fat as opposed to pregnant

Ira Glass

Finally having a giant couch the whole family can pile onto

Los Angeles

Michele Obama

My ovaries

That after all these years people still say I look like Chloe Sevigny, which I used to hate but I now realize is a compliment.

A good mattress

My dopey big brother who makes me laugh this hideous cackle until I cry, even though he still owes me 9 snickers for going underwater without plugging my nose at Lucy Lachance's pool when I was 6 or 7

Dave Brubeck, Miles Davis, Nina Simone, Jack White, all the Blind Willie's, Mick Jagger, Jeff Tweedy, Ella Fitzgerald, and the first guy who recorded music on wax discs. I could kiss that guy.

Ultra thin pantyliners


Good prenatal care


Cheese puffs

The best in-laws money can buy. Well I didn't buy them but they are good.

Clinical strength deodorant

My girlfriends who still seem to like me even though I am a misanthropic shut-in


Dental insurance

Chanel No5


Work that I love

My sweet baby boy and his daddy


Oh and... free will. That's pretty good too.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

oy vey

I can no longer lie to my child. Not due to any major changes in my moral compass. He's just too savvy. He catches everything and he never forgets. Sigh... We've had some good times, but now I've got lotsa splainin to do...

He had a rough week last week. Lots of tears. LOTS of whining. A whole slew of new pouting methods. It seems like he goes through stretches where he is the perfect child, sweet, and funny, and knows how to sleep. Only to be followed by a period of unrest so ugly you'd think he was mental. I can't wait for adolescence.

SO last week, bad week. We're trying everything, but he's caught up in the this wicked cycle of doom and gloom. I mention to him on the way to school that we should go for a walk to pick up leaves after school that day. The drive to school has a ton of these beautiful old deciduous trees, and it actually looks like autumn. He says ok. Nipper Knapp picks him up from school, and the rest of the day goes by, and then we're lying in his bed reading stories about to go to sleep, and he says "HEY! We didn't pick up leaves on a walk today!" Merde.

I suggest we go the next morning before school. I mean why not. He's up. I'm up. Why not at least do something constructive with our time. We set out towards his school. Pick the perfect stretch of road with tons of orange trees. We get out, we walk. We pick up leaves, and pine cones, and maple seed pods. We talk to a whole bunch of old people fitness walking, and one lady with a dog. We hold hands. We sing songs. He spots a spider web in a bush, and sings the itsy bitsy spider to it. It's magic. I'm thinking smugly "I just need to be more engaged and do fun stuff with him. OH, I'M SUCH A GOOD MOM."

Then we get in the car to drive to school. Nope, he's still the devil. He doesn't want to get in his car seat. He stretches forward in such an awkward position, it's like he's Bikram himself. When I tell him he needs to sit back in his seat, he smacks me, and shouts "NO". One second later in a voice from hell I find myself saying "JACK KNAPP, Santa is watching you!"

Bobsled to hell and we're all on it together.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

omg omg omg

Nipper Knapp's stocking 

Ok, I don't want to blow anyone's mind or anything. But I made this. With my hands. And a sewing machine. It only took a whole day, and I had to sew it three times because I kept sewing the wrong sides together, and then trying to figure out how to sew the lining part without seeing the seams. Then the cuff and hanging loop were a whole other geometry conundrum that made me have to lay down and take a nap. I just woke up. And they say children do this? In sweatshops. Well my hat's off to them, because it's clear to me you need to be some kind of brain wizard to figure this stuff out.

I used a template I got off But I didn't follow their directions because they made me even more confused. That lady sure does know how to sell stuff, but man, I think her recipes and craft instructions are usually about 83.5% above my pay grade in terms of commitment. For instance, her tutorial on how to make glittery magazine trees. This is the kind of project you'd give inmates in the loony bin to keep them busy. EVERY PAGE? FOLDED THREE DIFFERENT WAYS? A BONE FOLDER? Please. And it says kid friendly. Who's kid? Maybe those industrious sweatshop kids, but not any kid I know...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Ok, so here it is

Ok, so just to be clear. My kid looks like this:

or this:

and sometimes like this:

But he NEVER, EVER looks like this:


How did they make him look like that? How did they get him to smile at the them. And WHO DID HIS HAIR?! What happened to my child? The folded hands. Are you kidding me? There's another one that I didn't buy, where he has his hands on his folded knees, arms outstretched. Like he should be wearing a cordouroy jacket with elbow patches, and loafers. It's his book jacket portrait. I only bought these because I was in shock at what they had done with my child, I knew the grandparents would love it, and I don't know I was a little distracted because I have been looking at this picture for weeks:

for now we're calling him tiny.

That's right, I said him. We're having another boy! Did you like how I buried the lead? We're due in May, and the last few months have been a crazy roller coaster. We found out we were pregnant just before we left for the NYTVF. Which made for some wine avoiding moments EVERY NIGHT. I actually felt pretty good until the last 2 days of our trip. Which was when the morning (all day) sickness kicked in full force. Brutal. 

We came home, I spent a few weeks on the couch like an amoeba barely moving except to get myself another orangina slushie or to complain about how bad I felt. Oh and then I flew to Pittsburgh to shoot a job. Which was, and I don't want to be dramatic here but 62 of the worst hours of my life. Those of you who've been through a first trimester, know how important it is to be able to eat when you are hungry. And to preferably eat what you are craving THAT MOMENT. So when you fly to Pittsburgh, and you leave your house at 8 am, but get in there late because of the time change, and you eat meh room service, and can't fall asleep because your body knows it's only 10pm back home, but you have a 5:45am calltime, which is before the hotel has breakfast. And then you get to set, and there is NO BREAKFAST. Now maybe this sounds like some kind of crazy rant from a loony actress, like "THEY DIDN'T HAVE PINK M&MS IN MY DRESSING ROOM!" But it's not. Breakfast is a requirement. It's like a law. A SAG law. So I'm feeling pretty tired. I'm STARVING, and it's 37 degrees outside. I shoot all day, do some ADR that night, and YAY my car comes to pick me up 5:45 the next morning. BLURGH. 

Ok, so I make it through that. I dodge a little work because I'm ill. I dodge a few friends, because I'm sure if they see me, and my GIANT BOOBS, they'll know I'm pregnant. And I don't want to tell anyone this time because of last time. No jinxes. Then last week, Nipper Knapp and I went to our first trimester screening. This is the appointment we found out we had lost our baby last year, so we were a little nervous. Just holding out breath. We got into the room, and the technician started the sonogram before the doctor came in. We saw the heartbeat, and we both cried a little, a huge sigh of relief. But then she started measuring the nuchal fold. It's the little bit of space at the back of the brain stem. Too big and there's a problem. She measures and measures. I start to get a sinking feeling. The Dr. comes in. He measures and measures. FUCK. And then he says it. It's not good. The measurement is high, and after they put it in the computer and did their little algorithm we were headed for a CVS. The drug store? No. I don't know what CVS stands for because I'm too lazy to create a new tab, and look it up on google, but basically it's like a super early amniocentesis. 

We went home. We were stunned. Frozen. Holding our breath again. FUCK. A week of waiting. Why can't cells grow faster in petrie dishes. I got through the week by watching Christmas movies, snuggling with Jack, and sleeping. A lot. Today was the day we were supposed to find out if Tiny was aokay or if there was some kind of problem. 

Last night I had the strangest dreams. I dreamt something very weird about Justin Timberlake and Mr. Schue from Glee (shiver). But I also dreamt the genetic counselor called to say she had good news. I had that dream about 14 times last night. I kept waking up realizing it was still the middle of the night. When I finally got up, I was close to tears all morning. I cried a little watching Jack watch Curious George. I cried as soon as I saw Brett when we dropped of the kids at school. I cried as soon as I saw Nipper Knapp when I got back here this morning. And finally at 2 pm, I was sitting on the couch, trying to embroider a mermaid on Anoushka's quilt, and I gave up trying to distract myself. I set down my sewing and put my head back on the couch. The phone rang.  "I'm calling to give you guys some good news". I cried. A lot. Because they count the chromosomes, we got to find out early what we're having. She asked if I wanted to guess. I was like, "no, no thanks, I've had quite enough guessing lately, just lay it on me." Then I called Nipper and we both cried... A house full of boys! Hoorah! 

So there it is peeps. After a little bit of trying, and a whole lot of heartache, we are fixin to have another bambino. Now... More importantly do you guys think I should make the big leap and do colored lights on my tree this year? I always do white ones. Discuss. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Christmas Stockings!

I'm going to do it this year! I'm going to make Christmas stockings for the whole family! It's totally going to happen. I just need to finish Anoushka's mermaid/fairy quilt (pics coming soon, swearsies), finish my sister in law's Hindi tea towels, the curtains I started for our bedroom months ago, oh and FINALLY clean up the pink man cave to show you all pictures. I"M SORRY! No big whoops. Custom stockings are so close I can smell em.

I've been perusing Christmas Fabric for a while now, and had to order from two different places, one of which is in the dog house with me, because they made me pay for fedex shipping (their cheapest option) and then didn't ship for 5 full week days. Boo.

So here's what I got. It's all from Alexander Henry, and I think it's all so cute and retro. Look quick because soon(ish) it's going to be whipped up into the cutest little family pack of stockings for Santa to stuff with goodies.

Oh and for those of you who are all "GEEZ Mrs Nipper Knapp it's ONLY November 3rd, slow down on the Christmas preparations, you're going to burn out!" Pphhhttt. I've actually been planning since August. I'm just letting you in on it now, because I didn't want you to get CHEER fatigue. Gird your loins nerd followers, Santa Claus is coming to town...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I don't know what I would do with them. AND I'm slightly allergic to wool; it makes me itch. BUT I want baskets filled with these little dudes. They're just felted wool beads. I found them in several places on etsy. This particular shop, Krita, also sells a rug they've made out of them, that I think would be super cute in a kids room (or my office...)