Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Buck

I stole this pic of gizmodo

I know I'm guilty of being on the slippery slope to douchebaggery; sorry Nipper d-baggery; with my Starbucks order. Most of the year it's just a grande soy latte. Which Nipper Knapps says I may not call "a cup of joe" under and circumstances. But when the holidays roll around I add gingerbread syrup. And because I am trying  failing to quit caffeine, I order it half caf. So that's a grande half caf gingerbread latte no whip no foam. D-BAG. 

But due to my addiction and frequent visits this winter, I witnessed some poor souls who are worse off than me. My friend Allie managed a Starbucks here in LA for a while and she has some doozies as well. Here are some of our favorites. 

1. A woman, we'll call her "Madeline" who came in THREE times a day and got SIX shots of espresso, FOUR regular, TWO decaf with THREE splenda mixed in.

2. Another lady, who may or may not have had a drug problem,  we'll call her  "Janice" who ordered ELEVEN shots of espresso in a venti cup, with a cup of whipped cream on the side. She plans on never sleeping again. 

3. Anonymous Starbuckian who ordered a venti EIGHT pump caramel frapp (normal frapp has Four pumps of vanilla, they double it) with caramel coating the whole inside of the glass, extra whip cream and more caramel on top. Good luck with that. 

4. A girl I saw a the South Pasadena Starbucks ordering THREE shots of decaf espresso in a venti  cup with the rest of the cup filled with 1/2 Half and Half, the other 1/2 whipped cream. What's the point?

5. And this one is my favorite, A woman in front of me was ordering her drink as I got to the other register. The girl behind the counter looked like she was trying her best to hold her face in a neutral postition, but in her eyes you could see the full "what the fuck are you talking about". Here's what I could glean: Venti hot chocolate with THREE shots of espresso, room for half and half, and three packets of splenda. For some reason she didn't want to call it a mocha, and demanded it be hot chocolate with espresso. It took her another two or three minutes to convey to the girl what she wanted even after I had ordered and paid for my shame. When the barista finished her drink, and tried to call it, it came out something like this:

 "Venti, hot... triple venti moch...Venti cocoa with three..." 

The woman knew it was her crazy that he was trying to decipher, so she went and retrieved it. She took it over to the bar to pour in her half and half. She took a swig, pulled a sourpuss and handed it back over the glass to the confounded coffee slave. 

"I'm sorry" she announced. 

"I know you tried, you did, I'm sure, but I don't know WHAT this is" (neither did he). 

"It's just watery, and... No I'm sorry, I'm in a big hurry, and you tried, but this isn't..." 

Then she went back to the poor girl on the register and proceeded to either get her money back or re-explain her drink, I don't know because I actually was in a hurry, and had to leave.

What I want to know is how do people come up with these drinks in the first place? How do you go from coffee black to venti Three shot decaf caramel side of whip with a splenda? Starbucks is ruining us. America Fuck yeah!


  1. Nice Post.

    Solve this and save the world...I've never understood how complex and specific coffee ordering has become, and like you said, how in the hell did they figure out exactly what they want?

    My americano with room for cream is already a mouthful.

  2. Steve Martin said it all in his coffee order in the LA movie.

    By the way, the expresso machine you ordered-I have it. Your Starbuck days are about to come to an end. However, I did notice that you can buy gingerbread soy at Ralphs.

  3. I'm probably guilty of a few eye rolls when I order a dopio espresso with hot whole milk. I don't want cold espresso because I added half and half from the counter. I don't want a latte. I don't want a cappuccino with foam. Just some hot milk, dammit!

  4. I used to be a tall, decaf, non fat, sugar free vanilla extra hot no foam latte. Now, venti decaf with room. I've evolved.