*sniffle*

Jack at a week old

And then you have that day as a new mom, where everything goes totally fine, but everything makes you cry. Yeah, that's the day I had today.

Charlie was up from 3:30 until almost 6:30 this morning. He dozed off and on while nursing (four times) in that time, and so did I. But basically, we were up. Jack came in at 8am because he wanted to say "have a good day" and kiss me and Charlie before he went to school. Sweet boy. He came in, whispered "Mommy", and then gave me a kiss, then he gave Charlie a kiss. Then he went to give Charlie another kiss, and I whispered "please don't wake up the baby honey", and he said "why?" and I said "sshh, because mommy is tired" this all happened at whisper level. But of course, as soon as Jack walked out of the room, Charlie was up, and ready to nurse, and I was riddled with guilt for telling Jack not to kiss his brother again. But also wanted to barf because I was so tired. And so it begins...

Did I mention that I watched a video of Jack at age two talking about Buzz Lightyear about 20 times last night? It was the night before we left for a job in NYC. Nipper was meeting us there, and I wanted to get Jack something new to play with on the plane. He was holding Buzz like a baby doll, and said "Buzz Iteyear can't see the teedee" because his space mask was down. I know, I know. But I'm his MOM. Did I mention I made Nipper watch it 10 of those 20 times. Did I mention I cried the whole time. It's insane to me that Jack is now so big, and Charlie is so little, but soon he'll be just as big, and in two years, I'll be dying that Charlie is so big, and how did it go so fast, and Jack was so little when Charlie was born, but now so big, and UGH!

I'm realizing I'll never have the time and focus with Charlie that I had with Jack. I'm trying to get over that. But I'm also trying to get over missing Jack, and that undivided time and attention, while feeling guilty that poor Charlie is getting the short end of the stick. But he's not, because he get's a big brother who is awesome, and wants to kiss him two times before leaving for school. See? It's complicated.

Also we lost our long time babysitter this week. Long story. But it's thrown a GIANT fork into my plans for this summer, and for Charlie, and you know, maybe someday going back to work, and not losing my mind. I had this friend in college who had the same nanny his whole childhood. I thought ours was like that. She was part of the family. (Did you see the quilt?!) So I'm super sad, but also super mad. Ok, if you need me, I'll be the weepy lady with the tennis racquet. Did I mention we are taking lessons starting next week. Somebody stop me...