bobsled to hell

Ok, so I think that the decoupage might be where I slid down the slippery slope of nursery decoration into a dark world of crafts, and jo-ann fabric visits. Did I ever mention my fake band? I mean, it's not like I was I was in the The White Stripes or anything, but at least there was this thought of something cool. I mean we played the kibitz room (sort of).

Before we got pregnant, we lived in this loft downtown. It was great to have a space for my photography, and my good friend (and fake bandmate Sadie) lived right down the hall. But once we realized we were going to be parents, the truck wash downstairs, and the hooker corner outside the parking lot, seemed less than family friendly. Plus, I like to sleep. I like quiet. We quickly realized, that the wall free, concrete box, that was our haven, would soon be echoing with the sounds of a crying baby. I was going to need to shut the door on that mess.

SO we started looking for a house, and in the meantime, I started nesting, or pre-nesting. And it started with this little decoupage project. Making matters worse I found the templates on Martha Stewart's website. I don't care if that mean lady went to jail, she's got mojo. I got the paper from paper source. The dressers that were intended for the baby's someday nursery, I got at Ikea. I don't think they have this exact dresser anymore, but they always have something similar. These were unfinished and the perfect size to double as a changing table.

I like the way they turned out like an orange creamsicle. But I've noticed that since that project, I've been frequenting places where the other shoppers are frightening to me. I was in a Michael's a few weeks ago looking for linen embroidery thread, and all of a sudden I was overcome with panic. "THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!" What was I doing there; in this place where people were buying dusty fake flowers, and WICKER baskets? I am a wicker free zone. Sure I could lie to myself and say, "You're not like them. You're just here for your very cool, totally normal, embroidery floss. These people are clearly losers, who live in sad rentals, with bad lighting, and haircut model posters". But then came the tutu project, which required 4 visits to Jo-Ann fabrics, and that's when I realized, I was lying to myself and I had hit rock bottom.

Jo-Ann fabrics is the kind of place I wouldn't have deigned to visit three years ago. It's low budget, low brow, low rent, it's the Netherlands of fabric stores, low, low, low. On each of my four visits, there was a mother and daughter couple there shopping together. These pairings unnerved me greatly.

"Mom, did you see everything on the notions wall is on sale?" the daughter would bleat with a thick Fargo accent.

"Oh sure. And did you see this pre-smocked dress fabric, that is just darling, and so practical!" the mother would respond.

"Just ignore these manatees" I'm thinking. "Just block them out". "YOU are nothing like THEM. Losers. Stupid, fat, tacky, boring, slow witted, buffet pants, comfortable shoe wearing..." and then they turned on me.

"Oh! What are you going to do with all that tulle?"

And suddenly, I'm gushing. About making tutus, for all the neighborhood girls, and my son, and how my husband doesn't really approve, and I'm breathless, and they're smiling politely, and OH MY FUCKING GOD, WHO AM I???