Monday, November 9, 2009

Don't fence me in...

Sunday morning Jack and I went to the Studio City farmers market. It's a little bit of a hike from here, but they have a petting zoo, and pony rides, or as I like to call it "Salmonella Village". They have a teenage kid walking around with a pooper scooper, but as you can imagine, between the animals crapping and the toddlers stumbling around high on baby bunny torture, it's a disaster. Chickens are popping out from under every surface, and the baby goats with crap encrusted furry butts are grazing up against every surface. This is like hell for someone like me. You know, someone who values their life. But Jack gets to pet a bunny, laugh at a chicken, and see where hamburgers come from, and so, I endure.

I watched in horror as a dad allowed his one year old, who was barely walking to crawl around on the ground, where fresh crap had just been scooped. He was also wildly clutching for bunnies, getting handfuls of sawdust which he was crazily rubbing on his face. There are not enough wet wipes in the world to clean this child, and his parents should just start over.

They have these little foot pump driven hand washing stations outside the gates. In order to wash your kid's hands, the water comes out about four feet off the ground, you have to hold them up while urging them to put their hands under the water. While holding your wiggling 30lb bundle of joy, and pumping furiously with one foot, you must somehow free your right hand (or your left if you're a communist, or my mother, or Barack Obama) and try to squeeze some soap onto the their hands, which are now everywhere, but under the soap dispenser. You do all of this, sweating, trying to speak in your sweetest patient mommy voice, while a line of parents and their E. Coli tainted children pile up behind you. You try your hardest not to shout "PUT YOUR HANDS UNDER THAT WATER AND RUB THEM TOGETHER OR SO HELP ME GOD I'LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY YOU WERE BORN!" Because you know, he's two, and might not yet understand threats of this nature. Too vague and philosophical.


  1. HAHAHA!!! A communist. Yeah - Noel must be a communist. explains a lot.

  2. Did you know that 4 of the 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer were left-handed