Caution

Jack had his end of the year parent teacher meeting a few weeks ago. The kid's doing just fine in case you were worried. His teacher says he's often passive in conflict situations, and we should allow him to solve more of his own problems. You know, to build confidence in this arena. I know she means, let him punch a kid in the face once of twice for taking his toy, just to see what happens. But I figure it's good for him to be more autonomous in other areas too. So I've been trying to get him to get himself dressed, pick his own clothes, blah, blah, blah. He's a boy, so 90% of the time he doesn't care what he wears. My friends with girls say outfit changing happens 3-100 times a day. Around here, we're lucky if we can get him out of his jammies. "Why would I take off these super comfortable clothes to put on other clothes just to play?" He's right too, but SOMEONE around here is a stickler for the rules and not walking around looking like a hobo. Hint: it's not me. 


To that end, I took him with me to get some things he needed for school. This is what happens when you let a four year old pick out his own water shoes: 

This makes me question if he's actually my child. My eyes are burning from their hideousness. And of course he wants to wear them every day now. ALL THE TIME. FML. (that was for you Nipper Knapp). He might as well have just punched me in the face. 

Oh my toe! The one where I don't even tell you what happened to my toe, it was THAT BAD.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. Worse than the day my dad told me my parents were getting divorced, worse than the day my grandma passed away, worse than the day my egomaniac boyfriend told me he had taken his ex-girlfriend to New Zealand with his family over Christmas vacation for two weeks, after we'd been dating for over a year, worse than the day... Ok, ok, you get it, yesterday was bad. Maybe not as bad as all those days. Maybe that's hyperbole, but it was pretty bad. Not a memorable day. Not one I'll be able to pick out of the other 365 when I think back on this year. But one of those days that makes you lay in bed and fantasize about emptying your bank accounts to take the whole family away with a full time nanny and a masseuse to Hawaii for 2 weeks. That might cure the shit day that was yesterday. 

It began normally enough. I woke up. I had two kids, a house, a husband, I felt like I was coming down with a cold, and I had no real plans. I suggested we go to get pizza for lunch after Jack's swim class, since Nipper didn't have to be at his first audition until 1:45. Sounded like a good idea, until Jack SOBBED when Nip told him we were going to get pizza instead of my original idea of picking up In&out burgers, which we've eaten so many times this week I'm actually ashamed. (that number should be 1 time, but it's way, way, way, more). What kid cries when you tell him we're having pizza? My kid. You'd think I'd have said we were having brussels sprouts and liver. Jesus. Ok, note to self, more meals at home, and no more separate kids meals. Yeah right. I saw an expensive cookbook in a fancy store on La Brea last year that was about cooking for "picky" kids. Most of the recipes had stuff like shrimp and rutabagas in it. The book cost $45. This bitch obviously had never seen a child or a rutabaga in her life. It reminded me of the time I went to photograph a piece for a magazine a few years back. This Pacific Palisades socialite had written a book on table manners, and how to set a table. We were shooting at her parents bajillion dollar house in Malibu canyon. And...I shit you not, when I got there, she had me set the table for the shoot because she didn't know where the utensils were supposed to go. But I do. I do, because I was raised in the midwest...here on EARTH. How do I live in this world without so much as a switchblade?! 


So fine, we go to pizza, but the only way we get Jack there is to say he can play with Nipper's iphone when we get there. "Is this really a good idea anymore", I'm wondering as I stuff pizza in my mouth as fast as I can because Nipper is holding the baby because he was too hot in stroller and started to cry as soon as we got there. I mean if one kid won't eat the pizza and won't take his eyes off the fucking iphone, and the other one is dying of heat stroke so one parent has to forego eating and just bounce and coo like a dumb dumb, are we really having "family pizza"? IS this what a meal together has come down to? I have lost the war...

I find myself thinking these battle/war questions all the time. I want us all to eat around the table all together more often. I also want to eat a meal without saying "can you take a bite" and "can you please sit down" 17,821 times. I also want to eat at home more, but our schedules seem to drive us all out of the house at different times, and Nipper and I are never ready for dinner at 5:30-6 when Jack is having his, so... Lunch, that's it. I have 4 opportunities a week for us to have a meal together and it's lunch. Starting in September when Jack is in school 4 days a week, I'll have 3. You'd think I could make that happen, but no, and one kid is only a baby! 


So as I'm shoveling in the pizza, and having this argument in my head, the day is unfolding. Nipper is going to take Jack to his 3 auditions because we no longer have a babysitter (10 million word blogpost brewing in my head about that situation). He has promised him he can play games on the ipad, which is like telling a junkie he can have a wheelbarrow of crack. He's in. He woke up at 5am again and was out of his mind tired, so I offered to take him home with me and Charlie instead of being dragged around to work with daddy. NO WAY. He was going to get to smoke some serious ipad, why the hell would he want to go home with me and REST?! Narc. 


So off they go. I return home with Charlie, my throat now on fire from the beginnings of this cold. I'm praying for a nap. The boys won't be home for 5 hours. Surely at some point the baby will sleep and I will close my eyes when he does. Hahahahaha. Stupid woman. Don't you know, you should have kept that hope a secret, even from yourself? Of course Charlie doesn't sleep, and of course Nipper texts me from his 2nd audition that Jack has dropped the iPad, and smashed it to pieces. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 


Jack is devastated. He can't stop crying. Nipper is pissed, but trying to console Jack. It was an accident. I'm now, sick, tired, mad, sad, trying to tell Nip to not be too hard on Jack, and Nip is texting me that Jack is inconsolable, and he sort of wishes that it hadn't been an accident, because he's so mad, but obviously not at Jack, and... You see where this is going. How can you be mad at a 4 year old when he breaks your $800 toy. You're the grown up who gave it to him. Dumb dumbs... I tell him that I'm going to give him a big hug when he gets home and I wait.


Well obviously, Charlie falls into a deep sleep 20 minutes before they get back around dinner time. I'm too fried to even get irritated at this point. I lay on the couch with my eyes opening and closing involuntarily. Watching my baby sleep, wishing for sleep myself. Listening for the car door slam, so I can get up and hug Jack as soon as he gets here. 


I made an appointment for Nipper to take the iPad to the apple store at 8:50pm. Thank the "geniuses" at the "genius bar" for having late appointments. Figured we might as well find out the extent of the damage ($) as soon as possible. ($419 in case you were wondering, and they just give you a new one. So now we have a $1200 iPad) Also figured both kids would be in bed. MARIJA ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID? The universe had a good laugh at my expense yesterday. 

Because Jack was so sad and sleepy and shaky, I told him, he and I could crawl into my bed and watch a movie and have popcorn after I put Charlie down, and daddy left for the apple store. Because you know Charlie has gone to bed at 7 every night for weeks. No problem. But guess what? They were both up until 9:45 last night. 9 forty fucking 5. For those of you without kids, you might be thinking "big deal". But 9:45 is the parent equivalent of 4:18am to you. I need that extra hour or so at night. I need it to clean the house, write emails, watch R rated tv, talk to Nipper about everyone we hate, and just stare into space. Oh, and I was sick. so... Boo-fucking-hoo. 


Poor Jack was so patient as I kept getting up from our movie, and then from our bedtime books to try to rock Charlie, pacify Charlie, and finally nurse Charlie back to sleep. He finally gave up on mommy and fell asleep looking at Pinocchio. Poor baby. He asked me as I was getting up out of the bed for the last time "mommy, when is Charlie going to be a big boy?". Sob...

Oh and don't worry, I was positive, sweet, and patient, with the kids the whole time, lest you think this post is about how I lost it. I was texting Nipper stuff like "FML" and "FUCK THIS WHOLE FUCKING DAY". But the kids, well, the one who is conscious, and most likely to remember this day, will only remember that we laid in bed and watched Pinocchio while mommy tried to get that his rascally baby brother to sleep. Because fuck all if I'm going to turn my day from hell, into theirs. 


I'd tell you about how Jack ended up in our bed, and because I was worried about him getting enough sleep I got up (now fully sick) and took Charlie, who sounds like a badger when he nurses, into Jack's room to nurse, and tried to go back to sleep at 5:45am, only to lay there, with Charlie only being happy to sleep ON ME, until my arms fell asleep around 7am. But I'm too tired. 


Oh and yeah, I wrote this post yesterday but forgot to post it because I was brain dead. In better news, Jack rode his bike, saw a lizard, had a "seaweed" popsicle, and I saw Midnight in Paris, which revived my hope for humanity. I also had a dream that apple started making iphones in jadite green. SO... one day up, one day down...

Hi. How's it going?

Here's an exchange Nipper and I had last night after the kids were both asleep (thank you god for that hour).


Nipper (cooking a grilled cheese): Why is it so different between 1 and 2?


Me: Because we're doing man on man coverage. And it used to be just one, so when one of us was with Jack the other one was getting a break, and now there's no respite, there is always something that needs to be done.


Nipper: I was talking about the hood vent on the stove... Level 1 is barely anything, and then level 2 is like a jet engine, but then there is no difference between 2 and 3. 


Me: Oh, I thought you were talking about our children. 


Then I ate a bowl of chocolate cheerios the size of my head and went to sleep at 9:07pm. 


Does anyone want to lend me their maid/nanny/personal chef/ assistant/pool guy/ gardener/ house painter/ doula/ masseuse/ hair dresser/therapist? Thanks...

I'm in it peeps

Greatest Birth Announcement. EVER. I don't know these people. Our friend Kelly sent this to me. Love it. Wish I was together enough to do a birth announcement period. 

Charlie is 5 weeks old. Jack turned 4 this week. The party is Sunday. You know I'm doing it up Nerdmom style. I have SO fucking much to tell you that I'm bursting at the seams, but I don't have any time to write. SO... I'm offering up two links that made my week. One from my dear friend Jackie, who is also a mom of two, the same age, and all around genius. If she and I can ever get our shit together, there's going to a book, movie, column, so funny that you will shake and pee yourself when you see it. The other link from Lisa of Smacksy. It's like this woman read my mind. 

These both made me laugh out loud this week. 


Jackie's link:  I need a chicken


http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/


Lisa's link: I have additional drawings in the works


http://www.amberdusick.com/woodmouse_loves_crafts/2011/06/what-it-is-like-to-not-sleep-at-night-illustrated-with-crappy-pictures.html

Cult Classic

I'm on a linen website right now and the reviews are starting to freak me out. Are linen sheets only for weirdos? Everyone I know who has linen sheets says in dreamy, faraway voice "Oh...once you sleep on linen you'll never sleep on anything else". Like if I get some will I end up canceling our premium cable, moving my family to a "compound" somewhere? I'm nervous. 


Here is the first review that made me wonder:


" To clean them, I enjoy using the Aquasana hand held filtered water from my  large walk in shower.  "


Uhm... seriously? You only wash your sheets in filtered water from your shower? This is way too much care for a sheet. And I am ALL ABOUT good sheets. There is no way this person has children, but I'm betting they do have lots of orchids...


Then I read this one:


" just got linoto sheets for my birthday - and i love them! i'm living here in texas in the 100-degree weather, and they're just so light and cool to the touch! we sleep three in the bed and the linen sheets are a godsend!"


I was with them until they used the phrase "three to a bed", like, that's a thing. Is that a thing? They didn't say, "my child sleeps with us", or "we're swingers", or "we're really poor, and so we only have this one bed". Not likely as the damn sheets are $200 a pop. They said "three to a bed". Is that a thing? Maybe in Texas. 


Also in the reviews all the people referred to a guy named Jason, as if this Jason person was their personal "sheet guy". The website looks like a real company. Not like some guy selling luxury linens out of his mother's parlor. I'm confused. 


So I really really want to try these sheets. But if you guys start noticing me writing about secret messages being sent to me via the microwave oven, or dressing my whole family in matching track suits...call someone.

Cinephile

Movie Charlie

Today Charlie and I went on our first adventure together. The AMC theaters here have Monday morning mommy and me movies. You can take your baby, or your kid, and it's ok if they cry of poop, or lean over the seat and talk the whole movie. The movie is usually whatever is the big new release from the previous weekend. It's AWESOME. As someone who loves movies, it's the thing that saved me from feeling like a leper when Jack was a baby. The first movie we went to was Hairspray. I cried. Not because Hairspray is a tearjerker, but because being a dark movie theater with my baby (Nipper) and Jack, made me feel so fucking normal. 

This is what he looked like in the most exciting parts...Not really, he was snoozing. 

So Charlie and I went to see Super 8 today. We loved it. He nursed when we got there and slept on my lap for most of the movie. Heaven. I didn't cry, but almost. It's such a relief to get a glimpse into the future normal, after weeks and weeks of nothing but diapers and sore nipples.

Kind of love my fellas today. I promise to bring back the snark and venom very soon...

White gold, Texas tea...FREEDOM!

I am in love with my new baby. I want to nibble his toes, and run my fingers over his velveteen bunny soft head. But I also want to go see Tree of Life, go back to work, and take Jack to a birthday party. Since Charlie came out like a linebacker he eats ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it's every hour. Which is fine. I'm happy to do it. With Jack it never made sense to me to pump, because he was always with us. I never wanted to be away from him for a second, and could never get into a rhythm of when to pump, and when to nurse. It always just seemed easier to nurse. So I never pumped. Plus the few times we did try, he wouldn't take a bottle. This time, I'm determined to make it work. I am shooting a wedding in July, and have to be able to be away from him for 8 hours that day. I'll have to find a time to pump, which is kind of stressing me out, because you know, it's not like I'll have a coffee break, it's not a regular job. But like I said before, THIS IS GOING TO WORK! 

This is what I take for freedom now. Getting up in the middle of the night to let my husband give the baby a bottle so I can pump. Going to shoot a glamorous wedding, and trying to find a quiet private place to hook myself up to a milking machine. 

Motherhood is complicated. Duh. I didn't go back to work for 4 months when Jack was born, because I couldn't fathom being away from him for a moment. Now I don't know how I'll go back to work, even though I feel more ready, because I can't figure out logistically how to make it work. Two kids, one nursing, one husband, no gardener (that's on me), no babysitter. It could be worse. I could have a real job. MAJOR FUCKING KUDOS to those of you who do. I bow to your mommy prowess. You can slap me for complaining if and when we ever meet.

I just pumped my first bottle, an hour after Charlie's morning feed. I'm worried he's going to wake up hungry five minutes after I pump and I won't have enough milk...Complicated. 

For you moms out there who pumped and gave bottles, how did you do it? I'm...uhm...asking for...advice...sshhhh...

*sniffle*

Jack at a week old

And then you have that day as a new mom, where everything goes totally fine, but everything makes you cry. Yeah, that's the day I had today.

Charlie was up from 3:30 until almost 6:30 this morning. He dozed off and on while nursing (four times) in that time, and so did I. But basically, we were up. Jack came in at 8am because he wanted to say "have a good day" and kiss me and Charlie before he went to school. Sweet boy. He came in, whispered "Mommy", and then gave me a kiss, then he gave Charlie a kiss. Then he went to give Charlie another kiss, and I whispered "please don't wake up the baby honey", and he said "why?" and I said "sshh, because mommy is tired" this all happened at whisper level. But of course, as soon as Jack walked out of the room, Charlie was up, and ready to nurse, and I was riddled with guilt for telling Jack not to kiss his brother again. But also wanted to barf because I was so tired. And so it begins...

Did I mention that I watched a video of Jack at age two talking about Buzz Lightyear about 20 times last night? It was the night before we left for a job in NYC. Nipper was meeting us there, and I wanted to get Jack something new to play with on the plane. He was holding Buzz like a baby doll, and said "Buzz Iteyear can't see the teedee" because his space mask was down. I know, I know. But I'm his MOM. Did I mention I made Nipper watch it 10 of those 20 times. Did I mention I cried the whole time. It's insane to me that Jack is now so big, and Charlie is so little, but soon he'll be just as big, and in two years, I'll be dying that Charlie is so big, and how did it go so fast, and Jack was so little when Charlie was born, but now so big, and UGH!

I'm realizing I'll never have the time and focus with Charlie that I had with Jack. I'm trying to get over that. But I'm also trying to get over missing Jack, and that undivided time and attention, while feeling guilty that poor Charlie is getting the short end of the stick. But he's not, because he get's a big brother who is awesome, and wants to kiss him two times before leaving for school. See? It's complicated.

Also we lost our long time babysitter this week. Long story. But it's thrown a GIANT fork into my plans for this summer, and for Charlie, and you know, maybe someday going back to work, and not losing my mind. I had this friend in college who had the same nanny his whole childhood. I thought ours was like that. She was part of the family. (Did you see the quilt?!) So I'm super sad, but also super mad. Ok, if you need me, I'll be the weepy lady with the tennis racquet. Did I mention we are taking lessons starting next week. Somebody stop me...

midnight gardener

This rarely happens at night...

So tonight I pruned my roses in the dark after the we put the kids to bed. When else am I going to do it? I went out there when it was still light to water this new GIANT fuschia plant I have in a hanging basket in the breezeway. But then I noticed the roses were looking kind of leggy, and no Roberto, so... I got out the pruners. By the time I got to the second rose bush it was pretty much dark out, and while leaning in to get a distant branch, I got a leaf in my eye, which made my eye automatically close AROUND THE LEAF. Have you ever felt an entire leaf under your eyelid? It didn't really hurt, just felt weird, but then when I got inside it was bothering me, so I decided to watch baby videos of Jack. You know so I could cry my eyes out, but just to clean out any leaf dirt. It's going too fast.

Pushing Charlie to Village Pizza

Oh also, apologies to those of you who don't like my Faulkner like stream of consciousness posts. I don't have the energy for structure. And no I'm not saying my writing is as good as Faulkner's, although that wouldn't really be something I'd say anyway, because I can't read Faulkner because he's SO boring, but my dad likes him, so... good night. 

This is a little blog test. I'm up. I'm nursing. I'm trying to text a blog from my phone. My friend Allie had her baby girl tonight. 31 hours of labor! It's been fun sharing those first few hours of crazy wonder and love over text and Facebook with her and friends. My nipples SUPER hurt right now. But wow I like being a mom.

Hope I'm not texting this to my whole rolodex. For those of Yo under the age of 72, google "Rolodex".